| I'm not the doormat I use to be |
[06 Aug 2009|01:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cynical |
] |
You pursue me but try to pretend you don't. Is it just easy because you knew how I'd always feel?
You remind my heart of feelings I pushed deep down. No matter how light I try to approach the situations, my heart grows heavier.
And now something better comes along and I'm so easily forgotten.
You say it's not serious but actions speak. As if I wouldn't see you remove our interactions while you exalt others. Shady.
It shocks me how quickly I remembered how much I've always cared. This longing and fear makes me feel so teen angst- like all those tragic years ago. I won't embarrass myself by saying these things to you since it's so easy to see that the feelings are just mine.
I'm not the doormat I use to be. I will not wait. I will not sulk. I will not give in to the pain.
The last time I let myself completely feel for you and it ended, I made some rash decisions that sent me running into a number of bad ideas. Not learning from the past would be a rather dumb decision.
You may not understand this, but you don't have to. Just know that even loving you forever will not make me allow myself to be a secondary choice.
I believe you either love someone forever or never really do. I always loved you, but it seems you never did.
If you ever try me again, you better mean it. I'm not an ego boost or something for the in between.
And sadly, even as I write this goodbye, I have a tiny hope for you to try, for you to care, and for you to tell me.
Guess I've seen too many movies.
Yes, this one is about you.
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| But the butterflies are still there |
[03 Aug 2009|09:45am] |
I go in expecting a broken heart. That is our way, I suppose. It is the only broken heart I've had that could run me clear across the country. I expect to again fall deeper for you than you could for me. So here I go letting my heart go wild again. Maybe I'll be prepared this time. But how can we ever be prepared for matters of the heart? Let me jump with both feet. Don't tread lightly for me. Let me feel the full rain. I need to drown in it again for no other takes me so deep.
Sometimes it feels good to fall down.
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| In my insomnia |
[03 Aug 2009|03:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
It's it sad how very few words it takes to turn "The Very Thought of You" into "Fool That I Am"
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| Trouble With Dreams |
[05 Jul 2009|02:06pm] |
"Trouble With Dreams" by Eels
There's nothing that I wanna do
More than get alone and be with you
Trouble with dreams is they don't come true
And when they do they can't catch up to you
You don't need a thing from me
But I need something big from you
'cause you know I've got
An awful lot of big dreams
I'm walking down a lonely road
Clear to me now but I was never told
Trouble with dreams is you never know
When to hold on and when to let go
If you let me down it's alright
At least that leaves something for me
'cause you know I've got
An awful lot of big dreams
This is the life that I must lead now
Crossing fingers and wiping brow
Trouble with dreams is you can't pretend
Something with no beginning has an end
You don't need a thing from me
But I need something big from you
'cause you know I've got an awful lot of big dreams
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| get on with it! |
[12 May 2009|08:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
In 7 months I need to be polished and ready to go! I've been tired of the current state of things for... well... most of the time that this has been the state of things.
Saving these dates:
Car payments begin June 1st
Certification training in August
I will hit the 7 year mark (and be fully vested) in September
Setting these goals:
Repair floors, walls, etc in house to make it livable and perdy
repair air conditioner
sell off as much stuff and junk as possible
put only the important items into storage
pay off car
get in shape
rebuild savings
set aside moving fund
Rewards:
finally doing something I want to do instead of something I'm expected to do
happier, healthy, better living
finally getting some adventure in my life again
now the hard part... getting motivated to get on with it!
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| Liquid Courage and a Microphone |
[08 Feb 2009|03:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pensive |
] |
Went to Sergio and Jackie's for a Rock Band party. It was noticed this time that almost everyone who attends wants to play drums or sing... most Rock Band parties have everyone claiming guitar and base. This evolved into the topic of karaoke which then evolved into finding a karaoke bar to relocate the party to.
Good times, good times.
We tried Shenanigans but it was crowded with a birthday party... so I suggested a place I had only every been 2 times before almost a year or more ago. As it turned out, perfect small, friendly setting. ^_^
My default song is "Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets". I received a good response. The KJ announced that I was making a statement to the guys of the bar. This made me rethink having it as my default song. I just like singing a song with my name in it and of the songs with my name, it's the most flattering of the ones they are likely to have.
I walked near the KJ's table, then sat back down b/c I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and Sergio was motioning to me to tell me something.
The KJ called me up even though I didn't sign up for another song. I was on the spot and couldn't think of anything... so I selected "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blonds. I opened it to anyone else who knew it to join me- it's a hard song, makes me a bit nervous. This was interesting... I was tightly hugged by a thoroughly inebriated leather coat guy. Still, people liked it. I sat back at the table and drank most of my very, very vodka grape popsicle flavored beverage out of residual nervousness.
Later on, I did not go anywhere near the table and he called my name b/c he wanted me to sing again... whether I wanted to or not. I had no idea what to sing so he picked "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. I did ok... I know the song but it isn't one I walk around the house singing, so I had a bit of trouble.
All this is rather encouraging, though. There were other people I had never met before that cheered me on and told me to get up there and sing despite my continued apprehension.
*le sigh*
For someone who has always wanted to be a singer, I'm really not confident in my voice. It takes overly persistent people like this for me to even consider that I might be good. I feel awesome by myself in the car or inside my house... but in front of others I always worry that I'm one of those who thinks they can sing but really, really can't and no one has the heart to tell them.
The night ended with the Rock Band foursome doing "Bohemian Rhapsody- we engaged in all the wonderful headbanging and guitar noises that this song affords karaoke. Very, very nice.
I'll work on my Fleetwood Mac and go back soon. The more I karaoke, the more I can combat my stage fright without liquid courage... maybe.
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| Posted using TxtLJ |
[28 Jan 2009|04:17pm] |
|
I just came home to the smell of burning tires, smoke everywhere, my neighbor's car in flames! 4 fire trucks show up to put it out.
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| Posted using TxtLJ |
[19 Jan 2009|08:40am] |
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Sometimes I go through upcoming dates in my mind... Reminding myself to go somewhere or do something. Just now I was thinking aboutthe 27th, but wasn't completely certain of why. A birthday? Milestone? Deadline? Movie release? Hmm... No, it's the day my egg nog expires.
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| Too much investing, too little living |
[10 Jan 2009|04:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
Sometimes I feel I have lost myself to this town, to my job, to the guilt and expectations of my family. Sometimes I feel the future me that I knew I should be is becoming impatient with my cautious character. Maybe I would be farther in some ways if I were willing to stop investing and start living. This is no time to cash in my stocks in this bear market, though... the money lost would be horrid.
I may impress my coworkers with imaginative ideas and creative solutions, but it isn't that satisfying if I'm not on a team of like-minded artistic spirits. I remember the wisdom of a bookmark I had in middle school- Normal is boring. If normal is who you are and you are content, good... but normal is not me and does not satisfy my personality.
But oddballs like myself are often categorized as "strange" around here... along with a billion other characters that don't fit into the mainstream culture... let alone the southern culture. The category of "strange" has many different off shoots... but we are all clumped into one here b/c we are so few- in the relative view of it all. Some other places have the luxury of being incredible specific with what sect of which genre they identify.
I'm already ready already. I want to have my cheesecake pin-up outfits and eat sushi, too. I want to walk to almost anywhere I'd like to go and have something interesting always nearby. I want care about the line on the back of my stockings again. I just don't have the energy to try that hard... I don't want to say "lately" since it's been a year or more, but I don't want to say "anymore" b/c I would like to care again.
Ah well. Ah me. *le sigh*
This world piling up around me has got to go!
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| Sushi 6pm Sakura |
[27 Dec 2008|06:52am] |
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We usually sit on the porch but depending on the weather and the number of people who show up we may be inside. Either way- 6pm sushi at Sakura on saturday will be fantabulous. :-)
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| lj meet-up |
[24 Dec 2008|06:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
] |
so i was thinking... haven't been to an lj meet-up in a while. How about this weekend? I propose Sakura on Saturday and Cafe Boheme on Sunday... that way you can come to one or both.
maybe we can even have a swap meet of unwanted gifts or something... ya think?
i'll need to check their hours to see if and when they'll be open.
any additional suggestions?
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| run or doom |
[25 May 2008|10:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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cinephile: what becomes of us |
] |
There is a stench over this sad little sink hole. We can get to the air through the humidity. Life is trapped in chains and coffins. Escapes never permanent... that's what we say anyway. Maybe it makes us feel better thinking no one else can get out either- beyond our control- black hole, pit of despair, land of the repressed. It was built to better, we were made for much more- but instead we feed the machines that churn out millions of little corporate, cookie cutter creations.
I'm ready to run. I know where I want to go, what I want to do when I get there, the people I would like to meet, the places I would like to go... It's there, it's just the getting there that causes a bit of trouble. Not b/c I can't get the ticket out of here but b/c tying up my loose ends could take forever.
When memories are no longer the best of what I have and wishes are a form of currency.
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| what life could be |
[16 Mar 2008|05:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Queen of the Damned soundtrack |
] |
porch time is fun time with Justin and Vanna. it's like a strange scene out of a comedy- yelling at cars, children, and computers. sipping on some crushed melon Jones soda, listening to "queen of the damned" soundtrack. plotting out escape.
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| job wanderlust |
[15 Mar 2008|11:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 it's hot out here |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cibo Mato- moonchild |
] |
i posted my resume on monster and career builder. i'm not in too much of a rush to find another job since this one still pays decent and has it's good days. i do have a long list of grievances, but as i was making the list i realized that all but 2 issues were known issues that all of us trainers have mentioned but still no improvement.
if i get another job, i want one that will help me out immensely when we move. i either need something killer for my resume, something that offers certification, or something that can transfer me out of here.
got a email from "The Lionheart Group"- sound scamtastic:
Your Resume/ New Orleans Interview
We have reviewed your resume on CareerBuilder.com and feel we may have an interest in scheduling you for an interview. Please take a moment to answer a brief questionnaire (below) that will further assist us in determining if a preliminary match exists between your qualifications and career objectives and our corporate goals.
Interviews will be conducted in Metairie on Monday of next week. To be clear, this position does NOT require a daily commute.
PLEASE NOTE: You have been sent this email because we saw something in your resume that would indicate to us a potential fit for professional business to business sales.
If you feel we have made an error, there is no reason for you to click on the compatibility profile below. Please simply go to the bottom of this email and click on the link that reads “Block this employer from viewing your resume”. This will permanently remove your resume from our recruiting process.
Click below for our online compatibility questionnaire:
https://www.thelionheartgroup.com/Profile?NEW
The Lionheart Group, Inc. is uniquely positioned to attract, develop and retain preeminent field and management talent in an emerging industry characterized by high-growth and minimal competition. We specialize in providing business owners and employee groups of all sizes with cutting edge employee benefits specifically designed for identity theft restoration and access to the legal system.
We are looking for independent-minded individuals with solid interpersonal communications skills to join our elite team of highly trained business to business sales professionals. Our Agents can earn substantial incomes marketing our plans both as employee benefits and as valuable tools for business owners.
Candidates must be comfortable dealing with senior level executives and business owners. Presentation skills suitable for presenting to groups of 10 to 40 employees at a time are a plus. Candidates must be coachable and willing to follow a proven success system.
For more information on The Lionheart Group, Inc. and the type of professionals we are seeking in New Orleans and around the country, please visit our web site at http://thelionheartgroup.com
All additional details will be discussed at the interview, if one is scheduled.
Thank you in advance,
Beth Taylor, Area VP
The Lionheart Group, Inc.
sounds vague and not promising. i googled them to find out a few people received this same message in 2006- the company wants you to provide an "initial investment" and you "interview" with a room full of people.
how 'bout no.
Cafe Boheme is finally open down the street after a year or more of fixing it up... i think i'll wander down that way today.
my cat and justin's cat have a myspace account. that's what i get for leaving my laptop on while i was at work.
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| you're drunk, i'm sexy |
[14 Mar 2008|08:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Birthday Massacre- Happy Birthday |
] |
Dearest internet,
Once upon a time there was a silly little girl who grew into a bored princess. She sat on her throne on her front porch and watched some poor guy get arrested. Why... who knows? But there were 2 cop cars just chillin' directly across the street with their disco lights on. Then they got done talking to the guy in the white car who stood in the "arrest" position (arms above head, legs spread), let him leave, continued to chat in the street while disco techs played in the princess's head.
Eventually, it was all gone and she was bored again.
yep.
Time to move.
too bad i have a million things to do before Justin and I can hop a plane, train, or automobile to the west coast.
*le sigh*
oh, sang bohemian rhapsody last week at The Groove's karaoke night. I enlisted back-up dancers, singers, and air guitarists... only joined by one singer on stage- but the crowd joined none the less (from what I was told, I couldn't see anything from up there). 'twas fun... if i do it again i need another song people will join in on. i save my real singing for my cats.
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| ch-ch-ch-changes |
[16 Aug 2007|09:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 busy |
] |
it's time for some serious changes-- namely, my hair. i want to go back to my lovely black and red, but not the chunks since i know a couple people with the chunks. also... i'm no longer holding on to my "long hair at all costs" mentality. i'll let them chop chop as much as they say they need to so the split end party drops to the floor and long hair becomes easier to achieve.
also... got to find a
-new couch (one that doesn't look hideous and fall apart like the last one)
-new fridge (the current one produces puddles everywhere and has no door storage)
-new washer/dryer (current ones are loud, annoying, and useless just like... *ahem*)
-new bed (my old old bed decided to retire on me
-new raidiator (car go smokey)
i'm in the middle of painting up my kitchen... need lots of stain/weather proofer for my back deck... and the front porch needs a bit of sanding before the new color goes on.
plus... by the end of this month we should have high speed internet at the house.... i'll finally not be web-dead anymore!
*le sigh*
laters people of doom... i have a kitten at home waiting on me =^_^=
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| I hope you get caught |
[13 Aug 2007|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
Dear you,
Your lies might get you here and there… but eventually everyone sees your true colors. Speaking too many contradictions, you tell on yourself. Every person like you in my life has made it harder for me to trust and expect the best from people.
I’m ready for this to be over. Every completed step towards the end has made me that much more relieved.
Sincerely,
The End
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| professional ankle twisting |
[11 Jul 2007|07:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ouchy |
] |
so today is my last vacation day at La Maison de Ma Mère but my ankle is still rather twisted. it has just about ripened into a nice shade of orange-purple.
so tomorrow it is back work. *le sigh*
speaking of work... i've stumbled across a website called "Linked In". it's a bit like facebook, but much less trend-tastic and much more professional. i hope it helps me connect with people who can help me advance into a much happier, healthier, exciting, and innovative work environment.
You can find me here: http://www.linkedin.com/in/thelola
if you join, or are already a member, it would be wondrous to be added to your network. so let's network! my people will call your people and we'll do lunch at the Ritz.
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